This is a blog coming from a mix of frustration and amusement. Like a cosmic joke.
I meet so many good, decent, capable and able people who consistently sabotage their romantic lives, and WHY? It makes no sense to me. All humans are capable of being idiots, narcissistic, clumsy, liars and down-right stupid, but that does not mean we are not capable or able lovers and partners. Being in a good relationship increases our longevity and well-being. Why employ negative traits to sabotage what essentially is a massive health benefit?
This is what I see. Two people, essentially compatible enough to make things work, to co-create a pretty amazing life, (Not that relationships don’t come with challenges – which when done with best interests in mind, transcend into something greater…). And then for one reason or another, one, or both, do something that screws it up. Disrespectful behaviour, extreme jealousy or insecurity, incessant worry leading to ‘claustrophobic behaviours’ or some variant.
WHAT is driving this? Well, I’m psychologist, I have a pretty good idea. At the core, it is fear taking different and sometimes idiosyncratic forms. Be it fear of abandonment, hurt, being taken advantage of etc. Nevertheless, I am left frustrated over why people insist on screwing things up for themselves. It’s like watching someone who is freezing in the cold, sitting on a warm blanket and I am like, ‘why don’t you put the blanket around you to keep warm?’
The various answers I’d get would be:
- ‘No. Warmth should come to me on its own, I shouldn’t have to do anything to get it’
- ‘The blanket is the wrong colour/ label/ look, it won’t look good on me’
- ‘What if the ground is cold? What will I sit on instead?’
- ‘I shouldn’t need anyone to tell me how to keep warm’
- ‘I can’t trust the blanket to keep me warm’
- ‘I’m not ready yet’
- ‘If I look like I am suffering, a bigger blanket will come along and keep me warm forever’
- ‘I am scared the blanket won’t like me and want to keep me warm’
- ‘I don’t deserve the blanket’
- ‘The blanket will suffocate me and I won’t be able to breathe’
- ‘I’m too busy to put it on’
- ‘The blanket will leave me sooner or later, so no point to put it on’
- ‘I’m sure there is a better blanket out there’
All self-sabotaging, stupid, stupid things to be convinced of – and so you’d continue to freeze (to death?)
It is all very well to have these fears and self-sabotage, but it is stupid to continuously be locked in this self-imposed prison. To be fair, sometimes we (oddly) don’t realise we are in that prison. If you really do not like being cold (to keep with the analogy), do yourself the favour and take yourself off to seek therapy, coaching, self-help books and do something about it. The journey can be painful, frightening even, but it starts with an awareness that you can actually change – for some it may take years, others not so long. Either way, hopefully you will get to a point, where you can accept and embrace that frigging blanket – if you really want to keep warm (and, logically, why wouldn’t you?). It is possible. End the misery!
Sometimes we really are incredibly dim, but I guess that is human nature!
End of rant. Now call me – let’s work on this.
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